The Big No Nos at Hogwarts
by Pickle-c.o
Summary: Ever wonder what muggle borns have to deal with at Hogwarts? HOw hard could it be for them to restrain themselves from not doing muggle jokes. Here is the Howgarts Guideline for muggle born students.
1. Rules 1 to 61

_OKay this isn't mine, it belongs to some quiz maker on Quizilla, but i thought all harry potter fans should read this.

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**1) Seamus Finnigan is not after my lucky charms**

**2) I do not weigh the same as a duck. Nor should I try to act like one.**

**3) "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.**

**4) I will not sing "we're off to see the wizard" when sent to the Headmaster's office.**

**5) I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class **

**6) I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss**

**7) Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda**

**8) Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar**

**9) First years are not allowed to be fed to Fluffy**

**10) I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his "time of the month"**

**11) I will not give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him they're real animals**

**12) I will not sing the Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin quidditch matches**

**13) The Giant Squid is not an approriate date to the Yule Ball**

**14) When Death-Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout "To the Bat Moblie, Robin!"**

**15) When a class-mate falls asleep, I shall ont take advantage of the fact and draw a Dark Mark on his arm.**

**16) It's not necessary for me to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes house points from Gryffindor**

**17) Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is simply coincidental**

**18) I will not call the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher Kenny. Even if he is wearing an orange anorak**

**19) I will not refer to the Weasley Twins as "bookends"**

**20) I will not dress up in a Dementor's suit and use a dustbuster on Harry's lips to make him do what I want.**

**21) I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book. **

**22) I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells while shouting "I got the power!"**

**23) I will not tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights who say Ni have challenged him to a duel and then have students yell "Ni!" from various directions.**

**24) I am not Xena: Warrior Princess and I shall not use war cries to signal my entrance when I enter a classroom**

**25) Its not necessary for me to yell "Bam!" everytime I apparate.**

**26) I will not steal Griffyndor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallway.**

**27) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music when wandering the halls.**

**28) "To conquer the earth with flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.**

**29) I am not allowed to begin Herbology class by singing the theme song to "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes"**

**30) I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue and call them smurfs.**

**31) The Whomping Willow is not an Entwife**

**32) "Draco Malfoy, Take it up the Arse" is not an acceptable quidditch chant.**

**33) I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.**

**34) I am not Allowed to lock Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in a closet to see if hot gay sex will occur.**

**35) It is a mad idea to tell Profesor McGonagall that she takes herself too seriously**

**36) "Ya'll check this crap out!" is not an aprropriate way to announce that I am about to conduct an expirimental spell**

**37) I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life" to Voldemort.**

**38) I will not offer to pose nude for Collin Creevy.**

**39) I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.**

**40) Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from The Phantom of the Opera.**

**41) Dumbledore does not have "nakie time".**

**42) Bringing fortune cookies to Divinations class does not count as extra credit.**

**43)My name is not "Dark-Lord Happy Pants" and I shall not sign my papers as such.**

**44) I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmellow peeps**

**45) I will not lock Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room and make bets on who will come out alive.**

**46) I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.**

**47) Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the residential ghosts**

**48) I will not use first year Slytherins and Gryffindors as Christmas lights**

**49) I will not refer to the Accio charm as "the Force"**

**50) There is not, nor was there ever, a fifth house at Hogwarts. Nor am I in that house or the founder of it.**

**51) I will not put books of muggle fairy-tales in the history section of the library**

**52) When fighting the Death Eater in the annual June battle of Good vs. Evil, I will not lift my wand skyward and yell "There can only be ONE!"**

**53) I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes teacher**

**54) I will not take a life insurance policy out of Harry Potter **

**55) I will not wear A DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT shirt to school**

**56) I am not allowed to make light-saber sounds with my wand **

**57) I will not tell first years that they should build a tree-house in the whomping willow**

**58) I will not teach the house elves how to impersonate Jar Jar Binks**

**59) I am not authorized to neggotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort...Especially if Harry Potter's life is in the bargain...**

**60) I will not follow potions instuctions backwards just to see what will happen**

**61) I will not use silencing charms on my professors.

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_I almost killed myself laughing. Hope ya enjoyed it. Drop a review and I'll tell the writer for you. _


	2. Rules 61 to 92

_a/n okay so here's a few more lil rules for you folk. Now once again I do not own __this. I'm just sharing the joy of laughter._

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62) Tackling the womping willoow head first is not a good idea.

63) Throghing Mrs. Noris at the womping willow is not nice.

64) I am not a wooky animagus.

65) I am not a tribble animagus.

66) Dissapearus little brotherus is not a REAL spell.

67) I will not charm a bottle of shampoo to fallow Snape around every where he goes.

68) I must not ask Voldemort why he looks like Michal Jackson.

69) Running down the grate hall and scereaming "Voldemort is coming!" is only funny the first 100 times.

70) In the beginning of each year I will not run behind Snape yelling "daddy I'm home!" and hug him. It will only get me detention.

71) I will not do my Steve Irwin australian accent during care of magical creatures.

72) If harry potter falls asleep during class I will not draw a dark mark on his arm(don't be so shure!)

73) Starting a betting pool with the Slytherins on when Harry Potter will die is not appropriate.

74) I wil not tell Snape I know Sirus Black.

75) I will not tell Snape i know where Sirus Black is. bad idea.

76) I will not tell Snape i AM Sirus Black...fatel.

77) There is no such thing as a were-tribble.

78) I can't turn fifty cents into fifty cent. bummer

79) I will not ask Peter Pettigrew "what the sewers of NYC are like."

80) I will not ask Snape "when was the last time you took a bath?"

81) Sitting in a bathroom with the popular girl, the girl from the south and the punk talking about how i like eggs like on the Amanda Show will only get me punched out.

82) If I magic-marker Potter style glasses on Voldemort while he sleeps it will get me killed.

83) If I try to give fluffy a belly rub, well... it won't be preaty.

84) I will not feed Mrs. Noris to Lupin.

85) I will not help Voldemort with evil plots in exchange for Japan and Canada.

86) "Beam me up Scooty,this school sux!"is offending to every pure-blood that went to Hogwarts but they might not know who Scotty is.

87) I will not tell Lucious Malfoy that Harry is in love with Draco

88) I will not send a carriage clock to Mad-Eye Moody

89) I will not give McGonagall cat nip for Christmas.

90) I will not wear 'Snapes #1 fan' t-shirt to potions

91) I will dye Snape's hair pink while he's sleeping

92) I will not send voldemort marshmallows for christmas.

_a/n welp there you go. Now don't forget to drop a review and I'll let my friend know. _


	3. Rules 93 to 147

93) I will not tell Madame Hooch 'Red means stop green means go, and yellow means go really, really, fast

93) I will not tell Madame Hooch 'Red means stop green means go, and yellow means go really, really, fast. Nobody said anything about a whistle.

94) I will write a book called "101 ways to annoy Voldemort" and distribute them.

95) I will not refer to the dark lord as Voldie

96) Or Voldie poo

97) I will not ask Dumbledore if he is related to Gandalf.

98) I will not make Harry believe that Dumbledore will return as Dumbledore the White, like Gandalf did.

99) I will not go " Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo" when studying fairies

100) I will not ask Lupin if he was neutered

101) I will not start printing out all the fanfics from and passing them out

102) I will not tell Snape that he is in denial and that he should accept the fact that he is gay and wanted to screw James Potter, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and that he still wants to do Harry, and Draco, and Ron. And that his whole Liking Lily thing was just him being confused

103) I will not put Harry in a dress and call him Harriet Potter.

104) I will not throw books at Moaning Myrtle for points.

105) Professor Snape does not deserve a hug.

106) Students do not come with their own background music and I shall not provide it.

107) Professor Mcgonagall is not "She Who Must not be Named".

108) I will not give Snape some shampoo just to see how he takes it.

109) Draco Malfoy is no longer a ferret.

110) Whether or not Dumbledore is Harry Potter when he's 600 years old is not up for debate.

111) I will not sing "Dude Looks Like a Lady" every time you see Draco Malfoy's dad

112) I will not eat doxy droppings for a bet.

113) I will not tell professor McGonagall to let her hair down.

114) I will not tell lord Voldemort to improve on his people skills.

115) I will not lock Harry in a cupboard with Lord Voldemort .

116) I will kick Malfoy in the arse… I mean not.

117) I will not put a tiara on Malfoy and sing 'I Feel Pretty' at the top of my voice.

118) At the next Halloween feast, I will not go dressed as a death eater.

119) I will not tell Harry that Draco just agreed to be his bitch, no matter how tempting it is.

120) I will not dye Draco's hair red and how he likes bing a red head when he is bullying a Weasley.

121) I will not ask snape if he has any femine supplies. Then when he replies he is not a girl put on a shocked face and say oops my mistake.

122) I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".

123) When called upon in class, I will not insist that the correct answer is 42

124) I will not add "according to the prophecy" to raise my Divination grade (though that could work)

125) I will not tell Muggleborn first-years that Bertie Bott's Every-Flavor Beans taste better if you eat them all at once.

126) I will not sing "Gravity Defying" during Quidditch practice

127) The four houses are not the Morons, the Borons, the Smartasses and the Junior Death Eaters.

128) Yelling "to infinity and beyong" was only funny the first time I took off on my broom.

129) I will refrain from calling Fred and George - Merry and Pippin, Harry and Ron - Frodo and Sam.

130) It probably isnt smart to call Draco Legolas either.

131) Telling Draco to "make like a ferret and bounce" is always a bad idea.

132) No matter how creepy and abandoned some of the towers are, I will not find Johnny Depp with scissors for hands in any of them.

133) I'm not allowed to make eyes at Sirius. Lupin will kill me.

134) I will not tickle the sleeping dragon "just to see what happens"

135) I will not sweep the Gryffindor common room with Harry's prized Firebolt

136) I will not scare the First years with wild tales of a omniscient Author who controls our very destinies.

137) Making a Polyjuice Potion and walking up to the person I copied to make them act crazy/act like a human mirror is not funny

138) Ron Weasley does not appreciate being called "Boy Wonder" and he definitely does not want to wear green tights

139) Putting a snitch in Malfoy's pants really isn't funny, even if it does make him scream like a girl.

140) If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, then I am to assume im not allowed to do it

141) Putting fake spiders in Ron's bed is certainly not funny, especially when he tries to jump out the window

142) Growing marijuana (or weed for everyone else) is not an extra credit project for Herbology.

143) I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore".

144) I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful". (although it is true)

145) Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.

146) Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.

147) House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.


	4. Rules 147 200 Notice

_A/N wow I reached 200 that's amazing. _

**_If you like these rules the read Weasley top Twenty Tips to Survive Hogwarts it is based of of this list._**

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147). I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.

148) I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends".

149) I will not provide Luna Lovegood with Coast-to-Coast AM transcripts.

150) I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or pirahna.

151) I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.

152) I will not change the password to the prefects' bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".

153) There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.

154) Professor Flitwick does not wish to be addressed as "Admiral Naismith".

155) Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.

156) I will not offer to pose nude for Dean Thomas.

157) I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.

158) I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".

159) I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.

160) I will not teach the first-years to sing "A Wizard's Staff Has A Knob On The End".

161) I will not draw an H on Percy Weasley's forehead.

162) The Malfoys are not Draka.

163) It is wrong to refer to Aragog as "Charlotte".

164) I will not "borrow" a prefects' badge for Peeves.

165) I am not the Care of Witches Underwear Professor.

166) I will not swap Draco's broom with one out of Filch's broom cupboard.

167) It is generally accepted that Cats and Dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory, no matter how wicked the result would be.

168) Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labeled firewhiskey.

-Charming the label does not change anything

169) I am not allowed to eat Chocolate Frogs in Potions class.

-Even if I brought enough for everyone.

-Emptying a bag full of them onto Professor Snape's desk to prove this last is unacceptable behavior.

170) Chemistry and Potions don't mix.

171) The proper way to report to Professor McGonagall is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" Not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence."

172) The fat lady is not possessed by the ghost of Lady Macbeth.

173) Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not permitted on the school grounds, not even for entertainment purposes.

174) Professor Snape does not enjoy being called "Snookums".

-Neither does he respond favourably to "Sev", "Snapey-Poo" or "Debbie".

175)Dumbledore is not Santa, he does not wish for me to sit on his knee and demand presents, especially not in June.

176) House Elf stew is not on the Hogwarts menu, neither is Niffler Curry, so I should stop asking.

177) A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or drumming on desks, no matter how bored I become.

178) I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.

179) I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"

180) House ghosts do not regularly "slime" anyone.

181) Novelty or holiday-themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.

182) My wand does not vibrate.

183) I will not use my socks to make hand-puppets of the Slytherin house mascot

184) After the last unfortunate experience, I will not take the Hogwarts house-elves to see "Dumbo" as their Christmas treat. Furthermore, I will remember to put trampolines below the Astronomy Tower in case I momentarily overlook the first part of this resolution.

185) I will not spread rumours around Death Eater circles that actually Lord Voldemort's mother survived childbirth and enjoyed a long covert career in the Muggle world as the Honourable Member for Finchley.

186) I should not ask Professor McGonagall if, while in cat form, she has ever gone into heat.

187) I must not spread rumours that Lucius Malfoy is, was, or ever will be known in Death Eater circles as "Dobby's bitch."

188) The fact that Draco Malfoy is short, blond, pale-eyed and rat-faced is no reason for me to tell the Slytherins that Peter Pettigrew should be paying Narcissa child support.

189) I will not tell the Muggleborn first-years that the Forbidden Forest's real name is Mirkwood.

190) I am not to conjure the words "DRINK ME" onto the vial of any potion in Snape's classroom.

191) The next time that I see Rita Skeeter, I am not to threaten her with a can of Raid.

192) I will not send pictures of magical creatures to the Weekly World News.

193) I will not refer to "The Grim" as a nice doggy.

194) I will not refer to Professor Lupin as a nice doggy.

196) I will not ask Professor Sprout where the Jolly Green Giant is.

197) When applying for a post at the Ministry of Magic after graduation, I should not cite "Fred and George Weasley" as my greatest influence at Hogwarts.

-Putting down "Lord Voldemort" is probably not best either.

198) Albus Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster", not "My Liege".

199) Professor McGonagall does not have an inappropriate relationship with Mrs. Norris.

200) A Muggle "vacuum cleaner" is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly.


End file.
